Archive for the ‘Rantings and Ravings’ Category

There are days where I wake up and just ask myself, ‘What’s the point?’
Days where I just look at the vast catalog of unfinished projects, unrealized ideas and the daunting grind of making ends meet and wonder why I even bother trying to execute all the things running around my head.

I read over stuff I’ve written and find it shallow, contrite and derivative. I look at art projects and crafts and only see glaring flaws that flash ‘failure’ like neon vegas signs.
I wonder why I even bother.

It’s a constant struggle, and one that I frequently lose.

Today, I’m losing.

And I hate myself for it.

All I’ve ever really wanted was to write, to be successful at it. It’s always been a dream, to create things from the chaos in my own mind and mold them into something that will inspire others, create dreams, generate fantasies. I want to make people throw my book across the room when a character dies, only to race back over to it and keep reading because they want revenge. I want people to fall in love, to yearn for the moment where they can be the perfect voyeur on a single perfect moment between two people. I want to make them cry.

Today, all I’m doing it fighting to keep myself from crying, because I feel like I’ll never be good enough.

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Oh yeah, it’s going to be that kind of post.

Evangelicals / Atheists

Dear God/Satan/Flying Spaghetti Monster/Yaweh/Buddah/Vishnu/Non-Existent Entity,

Please, please, please, SHUT UP.

No, seriously, you all need to stop. All of you. When every other post from you is about how great god is, or how you think anyone who believes in a God is an idiot, you accomplish exactly two things: You establish that you’re an asshole and YOU FUCKING ANNOY ME.

To my Evangelical (I use this term strictly as a broad stroke of anyone devote of faith) friends, we get it. You have a deep and profound relationship with your higher power, but I swear to fuck some of you need to check your god damned privilege and realize that not everyone is the same fucking faith as you. If you want to spout off about what a ‘miracle it is that XY happened’, save it for your church/temple/synagogue/place of worship or learn to use some god damn Facebook filters. If you want to congratulate me on something, a simple ‘Congratz’ will suffice, I assure you. I don’t need you telling me how ‘blessed’ I am.

To my Atheist friends, STFU. No. Seriously. STFU.
Every time you post how ‘anyone who believes in an invisible sky father is an idiot’, you’re calling me, my wife and my child an idiot.  This doesn’t make you right, nor does it make you insightful or edgy, it makes you a fucking asshole. Every time you rail on Christians, you rail on my wife and my child who do not espouse or believe in the dumbass shit you’re pissed off about that some backwoods ass yokel motherfucker in an aluminum shed church said. My wife and daughter are GOOD Christians, who believe in acceptance and love and NOT BEING SHITTY PEOPLE. Because, you know, that’s what Christianity is really about. Every time you go on one of your ‘God/Christians/Faith is Bullshit’ rants just makes me want to punch you in the mouth, and I like most of you, so I don’t want to…but you’re making it REALLY hard not to. See above regard appropriate places/filters for such things.

Understand, I’m Jew…ish. I’m closer to Agnostic with Jewish Tendencies. I was raised Jewish, but I saw that even MY FAMILIAL FAITH can be turned dark, and that turned me off on it. I haven’t been to services in years, I only go to Family Holiday Events because I’m expected to, and it’s free delicious food. I absolutely believe there MAY be a Higher Power, I just don’t know who/what it is, as such I’m lo to belittle anyones belief system, even yours. But fuck me, guys, come on. All of you could learn to show a little god damn respect and common fucking sense.

Also, it makes you an asshole.

Dear Inconsiderate Motherfuckers That Drive 3 Inches From My Tailpipe,

FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING SELF IMPORTANT WEASLE HUMPING SLAG BRAINED MORONS.

I’m a delivery driver, as such I frequently have shit in my car that can get ruined if I take a turn too fast or have to break suddenly such as flowers, food, my wife and my 11 year old little girl. I also do something called, ‘Following The Fucking Law’ and don’t drive 60mph in a god damn 40mph zone, regardless of how far it is between stop lights. I have zero accidents and zero moving violations on my record, because I’m not a self important fuck weasel. I drive my car for a living, to help make ends meet for my family and because I genuinely enjoy it. I also drive better than YOU DO. Every time one of you egomaniacal fucktards tailgate me, then swing around and gun the engine on your car, I hope (silently) that you crash and end up like Paul Walker, because you’re going to one day.

I would also like to add that PICK UP TRUCKS ARE NOT FUCKING SPORTS CARS AND IF YOU DRIVE A TRUCK LIKE IT IS A WRX YOU DESERVE THE WRECK YOU GET INTO.

Like this guy.

Seriously, just stop.

The next one of you who posts another god damn faulty infographic or internet meme about Obama is getting kicked in the fucking head.

Yes, I’m dead serious about this.

Boot. To. The. Head.

Barack Obama is not a Muslim, and even if he was it is permissible under the Freedom of Religion…because, you know, America?
Barack Obama is not Hitler, when he kills 6 million members of a particular ethnic/religious minority and begins executing political prisoners/homosexuals/homeless/gypsies, then we can talk. Until then, Hitler is Hitler, and fuck you for degrading an atrocity that afflicted MILLIONS of people just for shock value you stupid fuck.
Barack Obama is not a Communist, that was Stalin and Putin. See above.
Barack Obama is not a Socialist, that was Mussolini. See above.
Barack Obama is not the Antichrist.

Just shut the fuck up, admit that either you really don’t like his policies, democrats or that you just hate that we have a black president that isn’t named Morgan Freeman and move the fuck on.

See what I did there?

Not every off-color statement about those who share your sexual preference is homophobic/transphobic/purple monkey-phobic.

It’s not.

You’re annoying.

STFU.

PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES. THEY’RE NOT AFRAID OF YOU, THEY’RE JUST BIGOTED FUCKHEADS.

Also, just because some celeb calls a paparazzi a ‘cocksucker’ doesn’t mean they’re bigoted, it means they were pissed off and used a word.

For gods sake, my LGBT friends and cohorts, PICK YOUR FUCKING BATTLES.
If all you do is focus on, ‘OMFG SOANDSO SAID THIS AND THEN HEANDHE DID THAT AND WE SHOULD PROTEST ALL THE THINGS’ all you do is set the movement back because now the world doesn’t take you seriously.

Oh, and you’re probably as much an asshole as the dumbshit you’re frenzying over.

And before any of you claim I ‘don’t know or understand’ what I’m talking about:

  • One of the Groomsmen at my wedding was a gay man, who has been in a loving relationship with his husband longer than most of my friends relationships combined.
  • A dearly departed friend of mine for over 10 years was a Lesbian, whom I introduced to the woman who would’ve been her wife.
  • Roughly two dozen of my friends identify as LGBTQ+.
  • I have multiple LGBT family members.

Am I gay or LGBT?
No.
But I’ve been in and an ally to the movement since before most of you knew what the term ‘activism’ meant. So, please, STFU.

 

At this point, I’m sure I could rant more, but I have to be up at 4:45am, so I’m calling it a day.

Y U EVEN EXIST?!

Daylight Savings Time, that magical time of year where because some farmers 200 years ago needed more time to plant and harvest so they make us all suffer. You know, with the advent of modern technology, or the fact that we’re not an agriculture based society anymore, you’d think we could STOP FUCKING WITH THE CLOCK TWICE A YEAR.
But no, every year I get my designated ‘sleep in’ day where we ‘gain’ an hour and later on we get the designated ‘try not to crash your car because you’re half asleep’ week because we lost an hour. It’s always the change at this time of the year that sucks the worst, as though your soul has been hooked by some kind of ethereal beast from beyond our scope of reality and is slowly wrenching it from your body. It is, quite possibly, the worst thing ever.

What’s worse is when you’re trying to adjust and outside factors make that more difficult. Take, for example, my adorable 17lb problem.

Hello. I’ll be keeping you up an extra 3 hours tonight. This evening, I will be singing you the song of my people; The Snort Grunt Wheeze Concerto #7.

Tesla.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the little shit. He easily has the most personality and charisma of any dog, cat, rodent or other mammal of questionable legal status that I’ve ever owned. He’s super energetic for his breed, leaping across couches, playing fetch and tear assing through the house at random. He’s shown none of the hereditary defects of the breed, and pretty much the only thing physically ‘wrong’ with him is that he only has one nut.

But he loves that nut, and it must be kept pristine and sparkling.
And the best time to do that is at night. With the lights off. While I’m trying to fall the fuck to sleep!

Imagine if you will, you’re laying down after a long day, partner at your side, eyes slowly drifting closed when this 17lb fun ball jumps onto your bed.
Not just any spot will do for him, oh no, he MUST sit between your outstretched legs and typically with his head on your crotch. But tonight is different. Soon, this horrendous, obscene noise makes your eyes slowly creak open.

Did a pipe clog? Is there a lion with a freshly killed zebra on my floor? Is there some kind of sentient ooze monster creeping down my wall?

No, no, it’s the fucking dog, licking himself.

It’s like a pack of T-Rex’s with cottonmouth are dining on the carcass of Fat Bastard from Austin Powers right between my knees.
Now, obviously this isn’t an easy job and requires some degree of bending. So what does he do?
USE ME FOR LEVERAGE BY DIGGING HIS DAMN PUGGY DEATH TALONS INTO MY LEG AND SHOVING MY LEGS INTO A POSITION CONVENIENT FOR HIM.

Oh, I try moving him, pushing him away or stopping him. But nothing can stop The Great Ball Cleansing.

*Sigh*

“Sounds like the noises I make when I suck the marrow from children’s bones!”

On another note, Wifey discovered Creepypasta yesterday.

From what she told me, she found a dramatic reading of The Russian Sleep Experiment on Buzzfeed or similar. Needless to say, she was displeased, but like a car wreck, she could not look away.
I’m not going to lie, my inner sadist got a giggle out of that.

I’ve actually considered trying to write some Creepypasta. Given my love of good old HPL, this shouldn’t come as a real surprise. I’ll be doing some research on it today.
And then testing the writing on my wife.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…

I’m pretty sure she’ll add more expletives, but that’ll be the gist.